Kreisler’s Squirrels

January 6, 2009

Booze v. Medicine

Filed under: Political Absurdism, Shows & Dates, Spinning Treadmills — admin @ 4:56 pm

A subtle difference between Bush and Obama:
Talking about the economy, B.O. said “Right now, the most important task for us is to stabilize the patient. The economy is badly damaged – it is very sick.”
Bush, on the other hand, recently declared “Wall Street got drunk” and “the market’s hungover after the economic binge of the last decade.” Hey, at least he’s writing his own speeches.

Of course, after “stabilizing the patient,” Obama and the other attendees will argue over who gets to sleep with McDreamy. (Or is it McSteamy?)


Jeff Kreisler will be performing in D.C. Jan. 18 & 19

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Random Tuesday

Filed under: Spinning Treadmills — admin @ 11:34 am

According to MasterCard, I just finished a month of research on my next book, “Get Rich Commercializing Religious Holidays.” It’s going to be printed on a series of greeting cards.

Feeling sluggish? Want to get back in bed? Need a little boost?
Then try the all new “Blech,” the vague thing that does all that super stuff!
Blech! For When You’re Feeling!

“The radio transistor is no longer receiving signals. It has gone dead. Authorities are transferring their prime suspect from the networks to an internet holding facility.” - Devo, circa today

Stumble it!

January 1, 2009

Let me be the 203rd person to say…

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 9:19 am

Happy New Year!

Health, happiness, and Ha in 2009

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December 29, 2008

Business Comedy in The Times

Filed under: Funny Money, Spinning Treadmills — admin @ 10:49 am

New York Times article about business humor.
Luckily, yours truly is the king of business comedy:
- Harper Collins is publishing “Get Rich Cheating” not-soon-enough;
- I’m Executive Editor of “My Wall Street Journal,” with writers from The New Yorker, The Daily Show, The Onion, Monty Python, and, yes, The Wall Street Journal;
- wrote the Funny Money columns and videos on TheStreet.com for two and a half years;
- created the popular Consumption Advocate character for Shoot The Messenger, from the creator of The Daily Show
- producing “This Week In Cheating” and “Jeff Kreisler: Unemployed” as blogs and video series for 236.com
- wrote one of Wallstrip’s most popular episodes (All-Time Lows: Donald Trump);
- wrote a TV pilot for a business comedy show…

… and am currently bragging/self-promoting/trying to make the dream come true.

Stumble it!

December 17, 2008

This Week In Cheating

Filed under: Political Absurdism, Spinning Treadmills — admin @ 2:36 pm

Can be found here, on 236.com.

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Shoe Mania

Filed under: Political Absurdism, Spinning Treadmills — admin @ 1:53 pm

The Iraqi reporter who threw a shoe at Bush has been offered $10 million for the footwear and been given a medal of courage (by Libya, but still…) I’ve been throwing jokes at Bush for years! Where’s my payout?

Frankly, this whole shoe thing smells… It smells like Nike CEO Phil Knight.
Think about it: He prods the administration into invading Iraq, makes sure it goes so poorly (”foot” soldiers anyone?) that someone throws a shoe at Bush, then supportive Iraqis throw their shoes all over the place, and, BAM! A whole region needs new shoes.

Just do it, indeed.

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December 10, 2008

Jeff Kreisler Unemployed #3: Stick Together

Filed under: Funny Money, Video — admin @ 12:45 pm

The Chicago sit in and the Auto Company bailouts gave Jeff Kreisler a plan for unemployed workers:
Stick Together

also visit iget2work.com

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December 8, 2008

This Week In Cheating

Filed under: Funny Money, Spinning Treadmills — admin @ 11:09 am

(Read it all on 236.com, too)

* Succes$tory: “These errors make us look either incompetent at credit analysis of like we sold our soul to the devil for revenue, or a little bit of both” - Moody’s director, 2007
When Moody’s rated Countrywide securities low, Countrywide complained, and Moody’s changed the ratings.
Every crook needs good accomplices. Moody’s was just keeping Countrywide’s getaway car warm.

* “Birmingham Mayor Accused of Trading County Deals for Cash and Clothes.”
Cash and clothes? Hello, Birmingham Mayor, think big: renovations to Alaskan homes, yachts called “Buoy Toy”, or, say, tin-foil-wrapped cash in a freezer.
Amatuer.

* Doctor Joseph Biederman, failed to report $1.4 million plus in payments from drug companies for supporting use of an antipsychotic drug, Risperdal, in children.
Conflict of interest? No. He’s just preventing children from growing into adults who accumulate massive debt… and isn’t that really the problem here?

* A venture capitalist and owner of the NHL’s Nashville Predators was accused of fraud.
No leniency for being involved in both sports and finance, the two great cheats that cheat great together?

* The Reserve Primary Fund said that if investors sue it, they’ll get less money because of the company’s legal expenses… then added, “If you ask me to stop drowning you, you’ll just waste valuable air” and, “Stop hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?”

* Finally, of course, Great Cheater OJ got jail time. Guess there are “make-up calls” in the criminal justice system, too.
Yeah, we blew that murder thing earlier in the game, so, 15 yards for unsportsmanlike armed robbery.

Jeff Kreisler’s first book, “Get Rich Cheating,” will be published by Harper Collins in 2009.

Stumble it!

Funny Money: Thanksgiving Leftovers

Filed under: Funny Money, Spinning Treadmills — admin @ 10:52 am

Some news items that slipped through the cracks while fighting off Tryptophan…

* According to this Times article - “Squeezing the most from a stimulus package” - the economy is contracting at a 4 percent annual rate, or 8 times as fast as this summer.
Once these contractions are about 10 minutes apart, we’ll be ready to birth our first depression.

Hey, if they article says “squeezing” from a “stimulus” “package,” I’m not the one who made this thing dirty, I just took it to it’s logical conclusion: Unwanted economic pregnancy.
Maybe Piper Palin can smooth out its hair.

* One bank doing well while the rest struggle: First National Bank of Orwell.
Hmmm, what does Orwell know that we don’t? And how did he get that information?
I’d feel better if the bank wasn’t founded in 2001 by a guy named Big Brother.

* Argentina announced a $3.8 billion stimulus package. Awww, so cute. $3.8 billion.
We can lose that much on the Chevy Bolt… in about an hour.

Stumble it!

December 2, 2008

Legends of the Ha

Filed under: Shows & Dates, Spinning Treadmills — admin @ 12:18 am

Monday night, unexpected drop-ins at Gotham Comedy Club:
George Wallace
Jerry Seinfeld
Awesome.
Will fill in details when less exhausted, but for those who wanna see two legends for the price of a Tuesday show, they said they’ll be back. Warning: Could’ve just been a courtesy to the club, so they might not be there. No promises here.

Stumble it!

November 25, 2008

Bush pardon hits home-ish

Filed under: Spinning Treadmills — admin @ 2:59 pm

From the Small World Department:

Bush pardoned John Forte, who went to high school with me and “DJ’d”* my graduation party.

Maybe Bush isn’t such a… nah. He’s Bush.

* By “DJ,” I mean, he told me I had crappy music and tried to make the best of it. He was right, and he did.

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November 19, 2008

Unemployed Episode #2 - Bailout Billions for me

Filed under: Funny Money, Spinning Treadmills, Video — admin @ 8:35 am

I found an application for bailout money online.
Downloaded it and ready to apply.
If I can qualify, I’ll totally stimulate the economy.
See how:

Check iget2work.com.

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November 11, 2008

The Personal and The Political

Filed under: Political Absurdism, Spinning Treadmills — admin @ 2:40 pm

Many of you have asked for my reaction to the election. This is some of what I said just voting began, last Monday night:

“We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union…”
A more perfect union. It’s not a perfect one. Not then, not now, not even tomorrow.
But today, on Election Day, we can resume our quest for perfection. We can resume the pursuit of our potential. We can regain our footing on the trail blazed by our Founding Fathers, and march forward again, on the path which will surely lead to greater days and glory, for all.

Others have written more eloquently since the results, but it still captures the essence of how feel for “us.” But, like many, the events of last week have also had a profoundly personal effect on me, one which I’m struggling to understand. Perhaps this is it:

Before I was a comedian, I was (sorta) a lawyer. Full of idealism and delusion, I went to law school to be the next Thurgood Marshall. To improve the world through a long, determined, reasoned struggle. Somehow, I think that delusion has informed my creative career, too.

While my comedy didn’t change the world – though I’ll take credit for the newly Blue states (because these things just take time: I make two people laugh, they laugh two friends, and they laugh two friends, and so on and so on) – little Thurgood is smiling broadly within. I can’t shake this feeling that, at last, the hope I clung to in my act has come to be realized.

“One of the things that makes Kreisler fascinating is his unashamed love for America; he just hates what has been done to it.” - The Scotsman

I always said Americans weren’t dumb, we were just never given a reason to be smart. Our lives have been so easy. But, if Bush and Rove and Iraq and Enron and Katrina and Bear Stearns and AIG weren’t going to make us think, I didn’t know if anything ever would. I think they have (for a while).

One of my bits of which I’m most proud is about Katrina, and about my fear that even that wouldn’t shake us from our daze of indifference.

“The final section, involving Bush, Rumsfeld, Cheney and Rohypnol may be the most powerful description of the past few years of US history you’ll hear…”

I’ve been scared. Scared that nothing would change and we’d become Rome, burning on the oil of ignorance while selling fiddles at a markup. I’m not saying we’re in the clear now, but I have a little less fear.

Maybe I can exhibit a touch more joyful on stage. I’ve always had some, but it’s been mixed with a desire to throttle people into consciousness: This country and our human potential are too important to fritter away. I won’t ever lose my drive to discover, uncover, and explore patterns and wrongs and things which are uncomfortable… but perhaps I can sprinkle in my “it’s going to be okay” a little more liberally.

But that’s just me.

Stumble it!

November 6, 2008

Cindy v Michelle: The Results

Filed under: Political Absurdism, Video — admin @ 6:22 am

This isn’t the final word on what just happened - still processing that - but here’s the conclusion of Cindy v Michelle:

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November 4, 2008

It’s Election Day

Filed under: Political Absurdism, Spinning Treadmills — admin @ 7:37 am

There are many things I didn’t get the chance to say.
I wanted to talk about the absurdities and the insanities and the outrages of the campaign.
I wanted to dream about the end of triviality.
I wanted to spout silly things and serious things and things in between… to expand what’s in my act, and develop what’s on my mind.

Most of all, I wanted to write something profound on Election Day, but I couldn’t find the words. Then I remembered that these had already been written:

“We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union…”

A more perfect union. It’s not a perfect one. Not then, not now, not even tomorrow.

But today, on Election Day, we can resume our quest for perfection. We can resume the pursuit of our potential. We can regain our footing on the trail blazed by our Founding Fathers, and march forward again, on the path which will surely lead to greater days and glory, for all.

Onward Fellow Travelers.

Vote

p.s.
- NYC Tonight: 8:30-10 pm, Stand Up NY (Discounts if purchased online); 10pm-midnight, The Pit, FREE; Sometime on this Columbia broadcast; and, if you know my number, call me later and tell me how you feel.
- More Cindy v Michelle! It’s been getting tons of love. Wraps up Wednesday… or does it?
- Gratuitous recap of some election season stuff: On 236.com, on Indecision.com, on my blog, on the BBC and at the Edinburgh Festival, on The Americans, on Shoot The Messenger, on tour, in my bed.

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