“I had a show Thursday night at Plymouth State University (hi kids) at the same time as the Red Sox game and an event called ‘Pizza and Porn.’ Dude, those are three of my four favorite things. I didn’t even want to go to my show.” Read the column here.
“The SEC is investigating Countrywide Financial CEO Angelo Mozilo for selling hundreds of millions in stock before the company plummeted. ‘But but but, that’s what I thought we were supposed to do,’ he text-messaged me on his way to the condo he shares with Ken Lay and Elvis.” Read the column here.
No video yet. Just kinda sorta a little touch busy. Don’t hate me.
p.s. In LA another few days, Spokane Wednesday, Plymouth NH Thursday, Pittsburgh Monday, etc. etc…. email me if you’re nearby and wanna see some funny.
“A federal panel cleared the way for a new heart stent from Medtronic, because it’s been a while since anyone’s profited from inevitable “‘unforeseen complications.'” Read the whole column here.
Also, the ECNY Awards are now accepting nominations. Guess who gets to nominate people for things like, oh, say, “Best Male Stand Up Comic” or “Best Writer”? You. So go here and do it it now. C’mon, it’s been like a year since I won anything.
The one that didn’t make the cut:
Accuse old reliable. “This creates government controlled health care, run by lesbians. John Kerry will change your bandages and Hillary Clinton will be your sexy nurse.”
Barack Obama and his wife have finally addressed the uncomfortable question of whether or not the candidate is “black enough.” They’ve called it inappropriate and unfair. To make things more fair, let’s ask similar questions of the other candidates, so that every campaign can be boiled down to simple, irrelevant issues.
Is Mitt Romney Mormon enough?
Is Hillary Clinton man enough?
Is Bill Richardson Hispanic enough?
Is Rudy Guiliani conservative enough?
Is John McCain old enough?
Is Dennis Kucinich vegetarian enough? (Bonus: Is his wife hot enough?)
Is Fred Thompson a non-fictional character enough?
Is Al Gore a candidate enough?
Is John Edwards pretty and rich enough?
Is Joe Biden uncensored enough?
Can Mike Huckabee prevent the top candidates from turning out enough?
Is Sam Brownback religious nutcase enough?
Is Tom Tancredo willing to bomb enough holy sites?
Does Chris Dodd look like your grandfather enough?
Is Duncan Hunter’s name WASPy enough?
Is Mike Gravel absolutely insane enough?
Is Ron Paul Ross Perot enough?
Had a gig at Siena College this weekend. The admins told me to “adhere to the school’s Franciscan values.” I assumed they meant San Franciscan values, which is why I played Twister with some friendly coeds after the show. Mucho love to Briana, Carrie, Jen, and, of course, the incomparably seductive, Patrick.
This week’s column has already gotten lots of fun hate mail. Apple fanatics… (I also get fan mail, but the hate mail is best. I posted some somewhere on my main website a while ago).
Here’s a video version of some of the goodness:
Oh, and catch me tonight, Monday Oct. 1 at Shoot The Messenger. Triple threat: stand up, sketch, and writing on display. 8 pm, Ace of Clubs, 9 Great Jones (NYC), $10 (discount if you mention my name).