|
Well... duh.
Further down, the article has a couple
similar findings studies. Apparently,
- "The Elderly Like to Take
Naps" and
- "Fat People Like Pie"
Why is this news? Why
is it news that kids like to have sex, and will even (gasp!)
use alcohol or drugs to get it (and make it less awkward)?
Sex is the basic human instinct.
That and talking shit about your co-workers.
INT. OFFICE NIGHT — CHRISTMAS
PARTY
JOANNE (Slurring
speech)
Marsha in HR is such a
bitch.
BRADLEY (One
side of shirt untucked)
Yeah. Wanna screw on the
Xerox-er?
But our President (the "W"
stands for "Whaaaaa the faaaaaaak") apparently
doesn’t think kids have sex. He
recently appointed an AIDS Czar that opposes condom use.
AIDS. Condoms… And he’s earmarked $125 million
dollars for abstinence programs.
Now, I understand that abstinence
and condoms, these may be issues of Morality… but
what about the issues of Reality. Kids
are having sex. They’re getting pregnant, diseases,
in trouble.
And Bush should know about sex.
Are we to believe that he did
all that coke…
and his daughters drink
all the time…
and his niece steals
prescription drugs…
Just so they can get perky and get
all into Bible Study? Maybe go to a Catholic Rave.
INT. CHURCH BASEMENT — NIGHT
- DANCE FLOOR
Underage kids run aroud dropping
the Body of Christ, experience forgiveness and enlightenment.A
strobe light reflects off the face of PRESCOTT, a young
scholar wearing his Sunday best. He has a pacifier in
his mouth, a glow stick in his hand, and his legs flail
about in classic raver dance.
PRESCOTT
Hey man, check out the
baseline on this Hymnal! Come on, raise the
dead!
CUT TO:
INT. CHURCH BASEMENT — DEEJAY
BOOTH
Record
plays forward: "Jesus G-d, Jesus G-d"
DJ
scratches record backwards: "Dawg sawseej, dawg
sawseej…"
FADE OUT
|
The
President's Niece Gets All Dolled Up For Midnight
Mass
|
Yeah, it’s true. Check on your
tables at home.
I apologize if that offends anyone.
I was going to give up blasphemy for Lent.
But I’m Jewish, so f-k it.
I’ve actually been sad lately
that I’m Jewish, because if I weren’t, I think
I might’ve learned about sex a little earlier in
life.
Like from my Priest…
(Insert middle finger for those who
groan). Come on, everyone, this is the least surprising
scandal of all time.
There’s an old saying, they even
made it into a
song.
(The best part… that song…
by a group called "Arrested Development."
Such prophets. America…
such prudes).
I understand religion is a delicate subject. You don't
know me, and I don't know you, and for me to be talking
about religion and mentioning Jesus... I know I'm walking
on thin water...
I've just been questioning organized religion lately
-- a lot of people have. Look what it's gotten us in the
last year: Pedophiles, Terrorists, and War.
Great, that's three more than pot-smoking...
Yes, it's important, but for me, religion was just the
starting point for my own personal system of beliefs,
and a way to spend time with my family. Not actually talk
to them -- I can't stand those people -- but spend time
with them...
INT. MY HOUSE FOR DINNER
MOM
You might want to get a real job, dear.
ME
Screw you, mom. Pass the peas... and can
I borrow 20 bucks?
FADE
I'm starting to wonder if I'm just naive, because I don't
care what your religious preferences are -- or your sexual
preferences or any of your lifestyle choices. As long
as you're happy, as long as you don't hurt anybody, and
as long as you don't make things... too... "awkward."
None of us -- no matter how open-minded we are -- want
to be walking around with our families, in San Francisco,
and see a couple "guys", right out in the open...
"discussing the scripture." Eww. That's gross.
And I don't wanna be in the shower at the gym getting
checked out by a couple of freaky Quakers.
INT. GOLD'S GYM SHOWER
ABRAHAM
Looks like his pen has no cap. (Looks around).
Jebediah, spread your word...
FADE
It's the gaps in logic in sexual politics bother me.
For instance, there’s a congressman
in Wisconsin who -- in order to curb gun violence -- wants
there to be, get this, Mandatory Firearm Training in Public
Schools.
He says "Guns are a part of society
and they’re not going away." Okay,
fine, maybe.. but the same guy opposes sex education and
family planning. Isn’t
sex a part of society that’s not going away?
Can’t someone train me to handle
the gun that I come with? (That’d
cut down the violence. At least in my relationships…)
What’s this guy’s campaign
slogan? "Don’t Make Life! Take It!" or
"Teenagers! Bring Your Unwanted Babies to the Jefferson
High Firing Range!"
Pull!
Mama!
|
Brittney
Sells Spirituality (and
her upcoming show at The Crazy Horse Gentlemen’s
Club)
|
No, sex doesn’t happen. Nobody’s
having sex. There’s no reason anyone should want
to have sex, ever. Heaven forbid -- and, some people's
Heaven does forbid -- we ever teach people about sex,
how to protect themselves, how to be happy, how to stay
alive...
Let’s deny that sex is a part
of life forever and we'll all just squirrel away in the
attic, mumbling to ourselves and masturbating to 1970s
National Geographics and the latest Ashcroft memo revising
the Bill of Rights.
|
Of
course, this has nothing to do with Sex. People
just want to paralyze their muscles to increase
productivity and family values
|
We don’t need to glamorize sex
or exploit it or force it upon people… but let’s
at least acknowledge that it’s real, it’s natural,
and it’s okay. And let's talk about it intelligently
and maturely. Then maybe people — kids, priests,
and congressmen — can learn about it and be safe.
And now, a song about my penis…
FADE OUT (Before I make you listen)
|
