Local Man Declares Himself "Sober"

Will no longer drink booze, will just take drugs

SAN FRANCISCO, California -- Claiming that he needed to "get his shit together," local freelance web designer Arthur "Spike" Redeye announced to a small gathering of friends that he was going sober, effective immediately.

"Alcohol is messed up, man. I totally leaves me unable to drive and I'm always hungover and I can't deal with shit like I can when I'm tripping. I swear, tonight is my last night drinking. I'm going sober! From now on, I only get my buzz through pot, coke, ecstasy, acid, GhB, glue, catnip, and paint thinner... and possibly mushrooms and speed, if I can score any. Alcohol will screw you up, man."

The announcement, made just after closing time at Kelly's Irish Pub, came as a surprise to those in attendance. "When Spike stood up and said he wanted to tell us something, I figured he was gonna claim to be the Angel of Death again or something," friend and failed musician Dusty Undertoe said. "But this is better. We're all really proud of him for straightening out."

Mr. Redeye's immediate plans remain unclear, though he was overheard discussing taking "a massive dose" in order to "figure out these changes in my life."