|
Toad's Road to Madness - Resident Expert,
Jeff Kreisler
Reprinted with permission
of Toad's
Road Please visit and donate to The American Cancer
Society..
First Column
-- Second Column -- Third
and Final Column
Ah, college basketball. The Road to the
Final Four. A trip to Hot-lanta. Four lucky teams will
pack their fixings for a Coca-Cola powered, Braves fan
chopping, good old southern shotgun BBQ in Richard Jewel’s
playground…
It’s Toad’s Road to Madness!!!
(cue music. video montage of past tournament
past highlights [note: focus on NC State, Villanova, Duke-Kentucky,
Princeton over UCLA, and spare Morgana footage]. What?
We don’t have video? Uh… I can’t work under
these conditions. This is bull… I’m used to
a certain level of professionalism, okay? What? There’s
no one else here? I’m talking to myself? Uh…)
Hello, and welcome to Toad’s Road.
I’m Jeff Kreisler and for the Next Three Weeks!!
I’ll be your guy. Your guy that writes stuff that
you read sometimes. Stuff about Toad’s Road. Stuff
here. About here. For here. By here.
It’s March Madness, or, as it’s
called in my apartment, "When Golden Girls goes to
commercial can I check some scores." (Seriously people,
pick your housemates wisely. She’s great, but she’s
25 and it’s Bea Arthur’s crew and Designing
Women 24/7).
So, anyway, let’s orient ourselves…
It’s Sunday night, Selection Sunday
night, NCAA Basketball Selection Sunday night.
|
I
actually just got back from a gig in fabulous
Fresno, California — which is kinda like
[backwards-ass-redneck-city/town-that-you-always-avoid-even-if-you’re-out-of-gas-and-you’re-tired-and-you’re-broke-and-you’re-lonely-you’re-dead
in your region] except they say "dude"
a lot more. Actually, it turns out the gig wasn’t
in Fresno. It was in Clovis, which isn't nearly
as hip and cosmopolitan as, well, Fresno.
In
the lobby of my hotel: 30 people, 29 cowboy hats,
26 pairs of spurs a’ rattlin’ ‘round
the room.
In
the parking lot: 30 spaces, 21 and half of them
holding big ol’ pickup trucks…not the
cute little "picking up some mulch for my
garden" ones, mind you, but the big uns,
like for hauling farm equipment, off-road vee-hick-els,
and uppity minority folk.
Yessiree,
my lucky night. The Rodeo’s in town. A regional,
high school rodeo festival at that. And they’re
all staying at my hotel and coming to my show.
"Well
how ‘bout a big ol’ hand for EmmyLou,
twirling her bee-ton higher than liberal city
college boy at a hippie hemp fest. And now the
subtle leftist political commentary of Jeff Kreisler."
Showbiz.
|
I haven’t been as into the NCAA as
in the past (mostly because of my sports hangover from
the Patriots Super Bowl Victory! — subject of a future
column), but I am getting pretty dang psyched. I mean,
I AM VERY VERY VERY VERY oh my very VERY EXCITED FOR MARCH
MADNESS! MA-A-A-AA-A-A-AA-DNESS!!!
This is cool. This is very cool.
64 do or die games in 3 weeks. Clashes
of geography, culture, style, history, athletic technique
and more. A rich tapestry of emotion, energy, and struggle,
woven every night by athletes who are playing at the highest
level and are, despite my cynicism, doing so as close
to purely for the love of the game as possible. I imagine
the Indiana High School hoops tournament is the only thing
that can rival this. It’s play to win, win for team,
team above all else. (Like, oh, say, the Patriots? Good
point, good point)..
Who here doesn’t get massive body
numbing tingles from head to toe during the wrap-up-highlight-heart-ache-inducing
CBS Production of "One Shining Moment?" Liars.
The NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament
has heroes and villains, buzzer beaters, blowouts, and
some amazing, inconceivable hairstyles. Watch Gonzaga
and you’ll see every one of those.
So let’s do it, alright? Give to
the American Cancer Society or your charity of choice
(don’t forget the non-9/11 ones, they’re struggling,
too). Participate, share, laugh, hug, enjoy. And send
me a dollar…
First Impressions
of the Brackets:
West Region
Miami v. Missouri
St. Louis has the Gateway Arch, dividing
the West — what’s great about this country —
from the East — what made this country great.
Miami is a whore-infested sweat hole.
PICK: M-I-SS-O-U-SS-R-PP-I
UCLA v. Mississippi
Old Man Wooden versus Ole Mrs. Ippi.
Remember when you were a kid, and you’d
play hide-&-seek or touch football, and you’d
count off using all-time basketball championships? 1 U-C-L-A,
2 U-C-L-A, 3 U-C-L-A…
PICK: You-klah
Ohio State v. Davidson
My brother’s name is David, his son’s
name is Jack, and Jack is my one and only nephew and he
means more to me than you can ever know.
PICK: Jack, 1 gazillion to 3 (Late in
the game, he puts in his little sister, Emma, 7 months
old, and she picks up a foul on a desperation 3. Ohio
State makes the free throws. It’s a total B.S. make-up
call).
Cincinnati v. Boston University
Cincinnati Coach Bob Huggins disregard
of academic standards should get him far in the 2016 Presidential
Election.
PICK: Cincy
Gonzaga v. Wyoming
"Outrageous."
"A crime!" "Gets me really upset!"
"Inexplicable." "Just wrong, a terrible
thing to do to these kids." - Dick Vitale (and others)
about either Gonzaga’s low seed or Butler being left
out.
Enron. Cheney/Haliburton ties to the Taliban.
Bush’s family business with Bin Laden’ family.
Low voter turnout. Campaign financing. Looming environmental
disaster. Tailspinning economy, dangerously underfunded
public education, hypocrisy, corruption, unaccountability.
Nope, that don’t bug me nutin’.
Sorry, I love the ‘Zags, but sometimes
people’s choice of words and focus of passion seems
powerfully misdirected.
I also hate the Yankees.
PICK: Gonzo, and the Muppet Show cast.
Arizona v. Santa Barbara
UCSB (U Can Study Buzzed)… they’re
the Slugs, right? And Slugs won’t wilt under the
hot, but dry, Arizona heat. Unless someone uses salt.
PICK: Slug-o-rama
Xavier v. Hawaii
Rumor has it, Professor Charles Xavier
and the X-Men are secretly training on the Hawaiian island
of Kahoolawe, honing their powers of mind control for
world domination.
PICK: Who ran up all these charges on
my Visa? Oooooh, look at the pretty colors.
Oklahoma v. Illinois-Chicago
Shouldn’t it be the other way around?
Chicago, Illinois.
I once had a young blonde girlfriend who
went to school at Oklahoma, and I now have a young blonde
girlfriend who’s going to school in Chicago. I feel
a little better than everyone else when I mention these
facts.
PICK: Castration
Midwest Region
Oregon v. Montana
People that grow their own marijuana versus
people that grow their own guns.
Most government officials prefer guns,
because pot leads to hugs and hugs lead to love and love
leads to family and family leads to growth and growth
leads to old age and old age leads to death.
Guns eliminate the middle men.
PICK: Ducks, decoys, and dinner.
Stanford v. Western Kentucky
Stanford — leading the
internet revolution.
Western Kentucky — behind
the trend of evolution.
PICK: Thumbs
Kansas v. Holy Cross
There once was a great Umass-Holy
Cross football game that ended on 3 consecutive kickoff
returns for touchdowns.
PICK: Rock Chalk.
Illinois v. San Diego State
Marshall Faulk went to SD State. Damn
fine player. Mike Martz was outcoached in the Superbowl.
Damn good thing... for me.
PICK: Abe Lincoln’s baby-daddies.
Texas v. Boston College
B.C.'s my team year (childhood
geography). "Troy Bell, doing it and doing it and
doing it well. Representing B.C. he was raised out in…
Brooklyn?"
PICK: B.C.
Mississippi State v. McNeese State
Two all beef patties special
sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed bun.
PICK: Sonny’s in Durant,
Mississippi.
Wake Forest v. Pepperdine
Pepperdine. A team of destiny with a name
that comes out of Andy Griffith’s show. "How
much for the salt?" "Salt’s a nickel, pepper
a dime."
PICK: Sorry.
Florida v Creighton
Florida is the boil on heel of the foot
of our country and it needs to be lanced.
I went to high school with a guy named
Creighton. He recently married this girl who was so gorgeous
and sexy and provocative in that same high school that
it, well, shouldn’t have been legal. And it wasn’t.
There was this one time… she was singing… and
the shadow of the microphone fell right between…
Oh my goodness…
PICK: Whatever. Creighton. Fine. I don’t
care right now. I need a shower. Cold, very cold, water.
The South Region
California v. Pennsylvania
This is a bizarro world rematch of Princeton-UCLA
back in the day. Same conferences, kinda similar distinctions
if you really stretch it a lot okay no not at all.
Really, it’s a battle of two energy
deregulating states. California always votes Democratic
and the Republicans who ran the biggest oil producing
state and oil producing companies, and who now work at
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, don’t want Gray Davis to
become a political force. Tom Ridge is from Pennsylvania.
The City of Berkeley voted against the war. Penn has a
respected "business" school. Isn’t it obvious
what’s going on here people?
PICK: Penn. Mightier than the sword, especially
when assisted by the Office of Homeland Security.
Duke v. Winthrop
Of all the schools in the tournament,
Duke has the highest percentage of students with the first,
middle, or last name of "Winthrop."
Students at Winthrop like"The Duke,"
John Wayne.
PICK: The high, twirling leg kick of El
Duque.
Notre Dame v. Charlotte
A catholic school, run by and producing
potential child molesters, playing against a group of
athletic, spry, toned, tight, taught, supple, virile young
boys with a Southern woman’s written name across
their chests.
PICK: Eternal damnation.
Indiana v. Utah
At half time, the combined purity and
righteousness of these two states will cause a beacon
of light to emanate from center court. It will enter our
homes through our televisions and cleanse us of all transgression.
Until Keith Smart pulls up and nails a jumper from the
corner. It’s goooooooooood!!!
PICK: Utes (unless we can just skip right
to an Indiana-Texas Tech title game).
USC v. UNC Willmington
Finally, South Carolina and North Carolina
can battle for supreme control of roadside gun, peach,
and fireworks sales. What? Southern California?
Never mind.
PICK: Unnecessary Cosmetic
Surgery (USC)
Pittsburgh v. Central Connecticut
The center of our once strong but ever
proud and politically powerful steel industry. Against
the center of Connecticut.
I’m worried that somehow Kordell
Stewart’s gonna blow it against this scrappy New
England team.
PICK: Mean Joe Greene
Oklahoma State v. Kent State
It’s been a while since I’ve
done long division, but I think the "State"s
cancel each other out, so you’re left with Oklahoma
and Kent. Solve for x.
PICK: Broken car wash.
Alabama v. Florida Atlantic
Retired broadcaster Keith Jackson will
spend the entire game behind the FA bench yelling "AaaaalaBAMa!"
and tossing back a snootfull of hooch.
PICK: Tuscaloosa
East Region
Alcorn State v. Siena (play in)
What exactly is the purpose of this game?
PICK: Air McNair
Texas Tech v. Southern
Illinois
Hey, was there a movie about Bobby Knight
on ESPN or something? Gosh, I can’t be sure. I think
that’s what the unwelcome, unyielding beams of light
and sound pounding their way into my mind were trying
to say.
PICK: Subtle, non-invasive advertising
of quality products. Brian Denneheny is an alien.
Maryland v. (whoever)
If the coach of (whoever) pulls off the
upset, he gets to be the next coach of the Raiders.
PICK: Trapper John, MD
Wisconsin v. St. John’s
Remember when that guy from St. John’s,
Felipe Lopez, was on the cover of Sports Illustrated?
Sports Illustrated… I just don’t get into the
SI Swimsuit Issue anymore. But there were times…
oh, the Elle MacPherson years… those were the salad
days. Goooood times.
PICK: Cheeseheads
Marquette v. Tulsa
Incidentally, that wasn’t actually
a tax "refund" we were bribed with last summer,
more of an advance on future refunds. Good thing the country
doesn’t need those tax dollars now, eh? Me likum
1980s…
PICK: Marky Mark
Kentucky v. Valparaiso
I have driven across this
great country of ours 5 separate times, and I have unraveled
one great mystery. I swore I would never tell… If
I tell you, you have to promise to keep it secret. Or
if you share with anyone, let them know I told you and
have them send me a dollar.
Alright, check this out:
About 26 miles East of Lousville, just off of I64, is
the town of Simpsonville. Simpsonville. I drove through
and some landmarks seemed strangely familiar. 5 miles
East from Simpsonville along 64 is a town called…
Shelbyville. Shelbyville. And about 25 miles due South
is a little town, a sleepy little town, called… yeah,
seriously, look on a map… Springfield.
PICK: (sing it!) V, is for
that Very, eerie thing. A, is for the Awesome way, I think.
L, is for the Lucky, P! is for the Plucky, D’Oh!
Georgia v. Murray State
If I ever make a Catskills
era joke with a yiddish accent based upon the phrase "Murray,
the tailor" or "Murray, the orthodontist,"
kill me. Take my life… please.
PICK: Savannah’s Finest.
Uga’s a cute doggie. Yes you are. Yes you are.
NC State v. Michigan State
So if Letterman moves to ABC, and John
Stewart takes Letterman’s spot… will that open
up a spot on the Daily Show for me? Please, g-d, it’s
me, Margaret, if you — or someone you know, who knows
someone’s hairstylist — are listening, hook
a brother up.
Connecticut v. The Hamptons
The battle lines have been drawn. New
York City’s social elite face off for the right to
play the winner of Marin County v. Los Altos Hills.
PICK: Always over-rateds.
Until the next time I don’t have
anything to do early in the morning… Kreisler
http://www.confusionlaughterpeace.com
First Column
-- Second Column -- Third
and Final Column
please
visit Toad's
Road to Madness
|
