Jeff Kreisler

This Weekly Thing is...

The State of the Union

I couldn’t see the speech Tuesday night, so I taped it. (I have the last three States of the Union on tape). Here then, are my thoughts as I watched, sans pants, Wednesday morning. (I so need a life).

Mr. W. Bush began on a positive note, saying that he "firmly believes, that the future, is yet to come." Which is a nice change...

My favorite part was when Hilary Clinton claimed that a prescription drug plan for the elderly would taste great and then Laura Bush said, no, it’s less filling, tastes great! less filling! and then they started wrestling and thrashing about in the water and mud and tearing off each other’s clothes… Who wouldn’t want to watch a State of the Union like that?

That’s for those of you who’ve noticed the latest masochistic trend in advertising. Don’t get me wrong, I like to pleasure myself as much as the next guy, but not during football games.

Rummy Moment #1: At the first applause break, about one minute in, Donald Rumsfield turns to Colin Powell while looking at his watch and mouthed the words "Can we bomb somebody yet?"

"We will not pass along problems to other Congresses, Presidents, or generations."

Except, of course, the budget deficit, racial and social strife, environmental disaster, and Reality TV.

"We are holding corporate criminals to ac-count."

That count, of course, being the one from Sesame Street. (picture of Kenneth Lay squeezing a count doll — it’s a sight gag combined with W’s cadence, damnit).

"We want more employers to put up signs that say ‘Help Wanted.’"

Including "People for the exclusion of religion from government speeches". Christ, does he have to quote Scripture every time he opens his pie hole? I know he spent a lot of time in a drunken stupor in hotel rooms across the country, but couldn’t he have read the yellow pages or watched Univision instead?

There was a shot of Nancy Pelosi laughing, biting her lip, and shaking her head when W said that 92% of Americans will save and average of $1000 something dollars in his tax cut. Of course, average Americans… if one person saves $100,000 and 99 people save nothing, that averages out to $1000 per person. Mmmmm, math… so fuzzy.

The first or many moments when I wished people were allowed to interrupt him with questions.

"The best way to address the deficit and balance the budget…"

is to travel back in time and allow black people to vote in Florida.

All this mindless applause and standing ovations… It’s the political equivalent of the laugh track… only it’s not funny. W just seems like a monkey pulling on the strings of the chamber, of America, with slogans and sayings and staccato phrases. It’s such a simple display., Hey dumb-os, look at me. Clap, jump, dance. Keep it real… real simple. Americans aren’t stupid, we’re just never given reason to be smart. (More on that in another rant).

He never looked directly into the camera, into our eyes. Ol’ shifty eyes. What did he say about Putin a while back… that he "looked into his eyes and saw his character?" Seems like I saw an absence of the same on the tape of the SoU.

Wink Moment #1:

"I have sent you legislation mandating a 70% cut in power plant emissions over the next 15 years."

You’ll notice I attached a yellow sticky with instructions about how to ignore and destroy this legislation.

Shot of Lieberman and Hilary Clinton talking. "I hear you jews are good in the sack." It’s so true. Spread the word.

"These (Health Care) problems will not be solved…"

and then there was a long pause, and I thought he was just going to leave it at that. I was like, "well, at least he’s being honest, maybe I’ll vote for him… "Then he started talking again and I changed my mind. Just like that weekend I thought I might be gay.

Shot of Laura Bush smiling and tipping to the side, the thought bubble above her head reading: "I’m a balloon. A big red balloooooooon."

"All seniors should have access to prescription drugs."

Because we need to control everyone, not just the children with ritalin and the adults with caffeine, nicotine, and alcohol… but everyone. More here.

"No one has ever been healed by a frivolous lawsuit,"

so we must pass liability reform, so they can be healed by frivolous surgery.

Protecting the environment… Shot of Christine Whitman raising the roof, "Jersey in the House!!!"

Rummy Moment #2:

Rummy elbows Colin, pokes him in the ribs, "Bomb now?"

Colin swipes Rummy’s hand away and curtly, "No. Play with your dolly."

"We will protect our environment in ways that generations before us could not have imagined."

Since previous generations couldn’t have imagined that we would have destroyed the planet so thoroughly in such a short time. Ahhh…. Remember the point of no return? Wasn’t that great?

Wink Moment #2:

"Clean hydrogen powered automobiles…" and abortion rights for all!!!

"We’ve broken up terrorist cells in Targeting Yemen, Singapore, Straits of Gilbralter. We’ve broken Al Queda cells in Umber, Milan, Madrid, London, Paris, as well as Buffalo New York."

No, not Buffalo!!! Buffaloooooooo!! Artistic and cultural center of all of upper mid New York away from Albany and Ithica and close to Niagara Falls. Buffaloooooo!!!

"Terrorists are learning the meaning of American Justice"

Which is: crack cocaine is punished 10x more than powder cocaine, because rich white people are better than poor black people.

"Free people will set the course of history."

By free, he means, we don’t have to pay for them to make our athletic apparel.

"Once again called upon to protect the safety of our people and all mankind. And we accept this responsibility."

Whoa, whoa, whoa!! By "we," he doesn’t mean "me," does he? Cause I’m still in my college-boy-heckling-from-the-balcony jammies.

I swear, the Congresspersons all have little earphones in and an aid is like "Hey, you’re on camera, look official!"

I loved it when Justice Breyer started the wave.

"We will not follow process, but achieve a result."

Oh, that’s right. I forgot, the ends justify the means in Republican-ville.

"The course of this nation does not depend upon the decisions of others."

For instance, voters. We don’t care what they decide. I am el presidente.

Wink Moment #3:

Proposing emergency AIDS relief policies for Africa.

Turned to Cheney, and said, "Ah, fuck ‘em. We don’t want them folk having any control over their natural resources, now do we? Let’s let ‘em die off until they need us and will trade for the ‘cure.’ Mmmmm, hmmm, just like with the Injuns."

"The only possible use (Saddam) could have for these weapons of mass destruction, is to dominate, intimidate, or attack."

and that’s why we got ‘em.

We are working with nations to "show the N. Korea government that nuclear weapons will only bring isolation, economic stagnation and continued hardship."

Just like it did for this country (picture of USA).

"… hiding weapons in Iraq, a country the size of California…"

"Which I’d also like to bomb. I tried squeezing them with the Texas based energy crisis and we’re doing the water thing and putting the snowmobiles in Jellystone but come, California, disarm. Stop being progressive and Democratic or We. Will. Take. Action. I have positioned a cyborg inside your lands, and I will not hesitate to give the order to unleash to this Terminator on your state politics. You. Will. Not. Be back. We put the nuclear waste in a mountain in Utah, and whooops! Maybe I’ll accidentally trigger the fault and then there’ll be an earthquake and ha ha there goes the West, right into the Atlanteric Sea. Don’t let the offshore oil rigs hit you on your way out."

Rummy Moment #3:

Rummy kicks the back of Colin’s seat and gives him a wet willy.

Colin: "So help me, if I have to stop this war right now and come back there…"

"International Human Rights organizations have catalogued other methods used in the torture chambers of Iraq. Electric shock, burning with hot irons, dripping acid on the skin, mutilation with electric drills, cutting up tongues, and rape."

(Clip of Saddam, with singing Voice Over) "These are a few of my favorite things."

Wink Moment #4:

Election reform and a recount in Florida.

I was "impressed" that CNN called him "a determined president" almost entirely because he didn’t’ smile as much as in the past. Mmmm, objective reporting…

Everyone said he’s done "Better Than Expected." "Better than expected"? What kind of standard is that for the President of the United States? We’ve been attacked, our economy’s in the tank, and we’ve all got this giant puss-filled Enron on our chin…. and it’s "better than expected?" What were people expecting? A three-headed lava monster that rapes nuns and soccer moms?

At least we had the Democratic response to create real political dialogue…. um, no.

Washington Governor Gary Locke’s only line that he delivered with any passion was, "We support the president and the course he has followed so far." Hey, thanks for playing the opposition game. We lose.

Then there was some stuff about irresponsible tax cuts and economic plans and education and the environment and homeland security and blah blah blah… but there was no applause, so I didn’t know what to feel, think, or do. Somebody manipulate me!!